No, you didn't skip a part. Part 5 is in the works, but right now, I need to let loose some steam and must talk about this camp and how I'm feeling about it. Hence, part 6.
This is perhaps the worst camp for me. Not in terms of the campers, but in terms of my lack of spirit and inability to be flexible as well as patient when with them. I’ve had campers before who were the same as these campers; they had just started English about three or four months ago, there were some talkers and some quiet ones, some refused to speak to me in English and some only wanted to speak to me in Japanese, and of course, there were those that either stared blankly at me and pretended they knew what I was saying or some that would talk about me badly in front of me in Japanese (but they didn’t know that I knew Japanese and knew what they were saying).
They’re all here in this camp, but the problem this time lies with me. I’m the one who messed up and didn’t give it my all. I didn’t put in 110% and even snapped back at some campers today. I knew their English wasn’t that great and seeing the blank stares while I was explaining things to them today was like watching a deer in the headlight watching on just before it get hit by the oncoming car. Yes, it frustrates me that they don’t know English and yes, they’re young and sometimes, the things they do and the short attention span they have means that they don’t know any better. They don’t know what to expect from this camp.
I’ve done five camps before this one, but why, why the hell can’t I deal with these campers? I got so pissed and so angry that I was ready to throw things at them when they refused to talk to me or listen. What angers me the most is that I couldn’t reign in my anger and I couldn’t even be patient. I know all the things that I’ve done wrong and all the things that I could have done to make it better, but there’s no way I can go back and change them, considering that the last day of camp is tomorrow.
One of the other ACs told me that she had a JC translate for her about my group whom I have My Story with and she has them for Camp Skit. They disappointed her in that no one cared nor did they care to step in to change things or change their whole skit into English. She had the JC translate that she was angry and everything and guess what, the group actually decided to get together and make the skit. They asked a JC to tell the AC that they were worried that she was angry at them for not working hard at the skit. I was angry that they wouldn’t pay attention and they really didn’t give a shit about what I cared about. But guess what? Had I gotten a JC to translate for me about what I was feeling, things probably would have worked out better than how I’m feeling now.
I. Feel. Like. Shit. There were so many things that I could have done and so many other thing and yet, I didn’t think to do those nor ask anyone for help. Look where it’s gotten me now, I’m freaking sick and sick of this stupid camp. I’m sick of it! I want that damn group to fail miserably and suffer, but they did fine at My Story, albeit messing up here and there, but they got time to memorize and practice before their turn to go up and present. Whereas before, during our time to practice for almost an hour and more than a half, I gave them two times to practice and they all but played around and talked about other things unrelated to what I told them to do. The first time, they studied in the last two minutes before I had them present in front of me. The second time, they studied in the last minute and still failed miserably when presenting to me. I told them to do gestures and gave them other advice to work on to memorize, but they all ignored me.
I couldn’t handle it and later, before working with my skit group for the second time, I felt like throwing up and ran all the way to the girls building to use the bathroom because there were none in the boys building for the girls. I threw up and stayed there for a good ten-ish minutes before leaving and telling another JC that I couldn’t make it because I was gonna barf in front of my students and the stress from the day plus the puking really tore me down. I was ready to throw myself out the window and just hope that I was so goddamn injured and uncounscious that I didn’t have to see my fucking students’ damn faces. Alas, fear took control, fear that my fucking insurance wouldn’t go through because I’m not sure it’ll work in a different country.
Aside from that, my Skit group the first day, well, I snapped at the My Story group and both of them were present when I blew up. They decided to come “help” me during my My Skit group and unfortunately, it made me feel worse. I was looking forward to working with them, because of all the English activities, this is my favorite. I get to help the students come up with ideas and see them create a short story in rather broken and simple English, but seeing it makes me feel a sense of pride and achievement for both my students and me.
Well, one of the new JCs who was only here for this camp decided to basically run the whole thing and kept talking to the students in Japanese instead of encouraging them to speak in English. I didn’t get the chance to bond with the students at all. I didn’t do anything except say a couple of sentences, the other JC took over and the other JC tried helping by speaking in English, but needless to say, he didn’t get much to say either. I was so pissed off and tried several times to say that I could handle it and if I needed them, I would call them, but the other JC stayed and the one trying to help just sat at my side trying to help me.
After it was the dance party, but all the stress from the first day got to me plus I was sick so I just left and stayed in my room until dance party was over. The AD later talked to me about my problems after our meeting and it made me feel better. I was actually looking forward to the second day. One minute drill went by and I wasn’t too worried about that, but then it came to My story and they didn’t listen to me. Unfortunately, we had scavenger hunt afterwards and I had to take my my story group. They didn’t listen to me most of the time and didn’t participate in any the things that I tried to teach them. I got so frustrated.
This is by far the most frustrating camp that I’ve ever had. It’s a personal failure that’s really getting to me. I feel like I want to hurt myself for this trouble. It’s all my fault. I could have done better. I could have done more and yet I didn’t. Everyone’s giving it their all and they love this camp and yet, I can’t love this camp because to me, it’s been crap the whole time. Also, the ACs are probably sick and tired of me being bitchy and sick already. They probably hate me for my brooding and sulking attitude. I shouldn’t do it, but I don’t know what else to do. I feel like I'm using my being sick as an excuse for me being the way I am, and I don't like it. Eveyone tells me that it's because I'm sick, but it's not! It's because I couldn't do better! I’m at a loss and I can’t make myself feel any better. I’m so pissed off at myself and I’m so angry at myself for not doing more.
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